I still look for you

On October 28 I ran a 5K and I thought I saw my friend Nate. This happens to me from time to time and for a moment I am so happy – and then I remember that it can’t possibly be him. And so here is a poem inspired by Nate — who reminds me that while remembering can be painful, in some ways it is also beautiful.

For Nate who lost his battle to suicide, for my friend’s brother who lost his battle with drug addiction, for my friend’s mother who has lost her battle with cancer… And for all my loved ones who have gone before me. May you all rest in peace. Thank you for sharing your time here – the imprint lasts.

 

I still look for you

 

How is it that time marches on

even without you?

The world turns,

days pass,

and I am

but you were.

 

Days are stretching to months

to years

Since you lost your fight,

your battle.

 

Though the earth has called you back,

from dust to dust,

when I kick up the dust under my feet

as I journey through my days

I feel you still by my side.

 

If you could only know that I still look for you.

In the morning when I greet my day,

when I hear a funny story

and know how much

you would love to hear it too.

 

I turn to nothing,

words come to my mouth,

and I close it again

when I remember, when I see, that you aren’t right beside me

ready to hear it.

 

I still look for you

when I am in a crowd

seeking a familiar face.

And isn’t it funny that sometimes I think I see you?

Your name comes to my mouth,

I’m about to jump up and run to you

And then I remember.

 

I still look for you

when I am lonely

and longing for your comfort.

And isn’t it funny that sometimes I think I hear you?

Your words come to my ears,

I’m about to feel better and tell you ‘Thank You’

And then I remember.

 

I still look for you

when I am happy

and wanting to share my joy.

And isn’t it funny that sometimes I think I feel you?

Your love comes to my heart.

I’m about to find you to hug and kiss you,

And then I remember.  

 

How is it that time marches on

even without you?

Days are stretching to months

to years

Since you lost your fight,

your battle.

 

I journey through my days.

I still look for you.

And isn’t it funny that sometimes I find you?

You make me see you, hear you, feel my memories.

And I remember.

3 Comments

  1. Your poem is beautifully written. I’ve been discussing these feelings with a client and with a business colleague who have both experienced significant losses recently. My father died in 1994. I dream about him occasionally. When I wake, it feels like I just had a visit with him. But then I have to remind myself that he is gone, and has been for some time now. You spoke to those feelings in me; in all of us.

    Like

    1. Thank you and thanks for sharing your story. Dreams about oved ones who have passed are always bittersweet. I know it is sad when I wake up and realize it was just a dream, but I like to think of it as just having had a little visit with them – and so in that way there is happiness despite the pain that comes with the realization.

      Like

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