Because I told myself that “if it’s another month of having to wait then I will write about this” –here I am writing about this… Who knows, maybe God wants me to share my story at this point which is why I’ve had to wait so long.
So here it goes…
I have a precious 4 1/2 year old Nora. But for the last 3 1/2 years Ryan and I have been trying to conceive. We’d sure love to have another sweet precious life to love; not to mention that Nora makes it clear to us that she’d love to have a sibling.
For the first 6 months I was a wreck. Each month of not being pregnant crushed me so hard. By God’s grace I received some relief from those feelings of despair. Though that hasn’t stopped me from feeling sad each month that the result has been the same since then.
I’d have such hope. I’d say so many prayers. I’d offer to name my future child the name of whichever Saint wished to intercede for us. I’d ask God countless times for “this to be the month”. And years have gone on. Month after month after month of unrealized hopes and dreams.
And for the longest time it felt awkward and weird to pray to God about sex. It shouldn’t because blah blah blah about what the church really teaches about sex, but it definitely was. If you read scriptures it is the Holy Spirit who brings life – so many a prayer was made to the Holy Spirit. A few priests said to pray to St. Gerard Majella – I wasn’t familiar with him and it felt strange to bring a stranger into such an intimate prayer – but I was desparate and so St. Gerard is now a friend that I tell really really personal stuff to, but then don’t really share anything else.
I ask for intercessions. I try to be patient. I try to not give up hope. I try to pray “properly” so that my prayers get heard. [I don’t know what ‘properly’ is though I assume I’m not doing it correctly given the current results…] I try to remind myself “Thy will not my will”. I try to remind myself that “It’s all in God’s time”.
But here’s the thing… If God made it clear to me that His will is to eventually have me become pregnant and have a baby in a few months, in a few years, in 10 years – well that would be something. I could live with that. Because then I would know.
But as it is I don’t know. What is God’s plan for me? I thought it was to be a parent – I was blessed with one and thought the ball was rolling there…. But now I am only to be a parent of one? Should I be content with that? Is that’s God’s will for me?
If God made it clear to me that His will was to only “give me one” then I could live with that. Nora is precious, a beautiful gift, an energetic handful filled with amazingness and love and so beautiful inside and out.
So many months these last few years I have felt like I’ve put life on hold because of this desire of mine and this longing. I feel like I missed enjoying so much because my heart and mind were set on future things and not the present. I have enjoyed time with Nora, but maybe I haven’t properly enjoyed it?
This longing and waiting sows doubts. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. It makes me grateful. It is a difficult whirling wind of ups and downs and emotions of all sorts.
I have begged God to just let me know if I am meant to have another child or not. I have been so despairing that I prayed for different heartache than the ones I was having – and then He’d show me such terrible heartaches parents were facing around me. I need to be grateful to God for what I have –For the sufferings that I have – as they are my sufferings, and while I don’t enjoy them it is clear that it could be worse.
Is God protecting me from things I’d find hard to handle? Is this Him loving me? Sometimes it doesn’t feel like love. But I know that He is loving, and so maybe I just don’t get it — and what I feel as ‘desiring and hoping to no fruitful end’ is really a sign of God’s love.
I long to discern God’s path for us too. And unfortunately I can’t just sit back and “turn it all over to God” because Ryan and I have to be a part of it too. It is not as “simple” as saying a prayer and saying “OK God, it’s all yours” and then sitting back and waiting for God to come through. It is very much an active participation in trying to make my prayers realized as well as trying to discern if I am keeping my will in line with God’s will.
I have prayed to become pregnant before having to make any decision which goes against the Church. I have pleaded with God about this. So His “non-answer” puts it back on me – Am I willing to trust in God fully and continue to patiently wait? Or do I proceed with things which modern medicine has made possible, and quickly start to ride the slippery slope away from how God intends to bring life? It has been a constant checking of “Is this okay with the Church?” It has been a constant challenge against “Well, am I okay with going against the Church?”. I long for clarity and answers and pregnancy before such a decision point!
But then again, maybe this is God challenging me — seeing if I choose Him in all things. Not just in the things that are easy to choose Him in. Will I follow His ways? Or will I follow my own?
“Duh. You choose God.” the most morally righteous person answers. But to me where I sit with the desires that I have well this is not so easy. I have to walk a line which I can see to some degree but not fully, follow a line that I also have to make while I walk it, and I can try to give it all to God but then I still have to do something to turn the dream into reality.
A life is created by a husband and wife and God. I welcome the Holy Spirit to give us life! But for now it is another month where I “accept the things I cannot currently change” and I start planning and seeking clarity yet again about exactly what falls into the realm of “change the things I can”. If I only had the wisdom to know the difference, or better yet God just jumping in and giving the answer!, I would be more prepared to take on days of longing, waiting, and hoping that lie ahead.