I love writing and have a potentially annoying number of notebooks, journals, etc filled with mundane details about my life as well as my various thoughts.
This blog contains a small fraction of my thoughts and nothing from my actual “prayer journal” – which is quite personal. I’m not saying those thoughts are good or earth shattering or even make sense to share, but they are just things I’ve written because I felt like writing them in a special journal meant for me, God, and then whoever may want to read it more-or-less ideally after I’m dead.
Anyways, Nora has been inquiring about my journaling and was flipping through my prayer journal. She is 5 and can read, but there’s no way she can read my minute cursive writing so I didn’t freak out. Instead I stumbled upon a moment of positive parenting — I explained that I write my thoughts, primarily those about my life and God.
Nora wanted to write in my journal. And for half a minute I said “No”. Because it is my special journal. But thankfully God opened my heart — If she wants to write she should write! In a day or in a few years I’d look back on her writings and love, love, love that they are there! Nora is a major part of my life and my journey, so building up a wall between me + her + my journal was far less important than allowing her in.
For my sanity and OCD I tried to guide her “Write on the next page; not some random page. Don’t scribble; you have to actually write words.” [Have I mentioned I’m not good at letting go of control!] She did well — Making a “to do” list [she is a girl after her mother’s heart!] Then she shouted “Don’t look at me!” as she sat in bed beside me and wrote a note.
When she was done she read it to me:
Give God Your Yes
To Give God Your
God is nice
So if you
Play Rock Dog —that part was back to being a “to do” list.
If I could sum up what hearing that and then re-reading it for myself felt like: It is that emoji where the eyeballs are hearts but also my heart just filled with joy and leaked those hearts out of my entire body.
To top it off the next day in my journal — on a middle page, upside down to the proper journal orientation was this note:
If you wont [want]
to be with
to be nice
Also, because she was excited about journaling like her Mommy Mo I gave her her own notebook to journal in. Her first entry (which she was willing to share with me) was this:
So if you
be with God
Talk about how words can create such sheer joy! Also I am impressed by her poetry style. It could have to do with the fact that she writes in large letters, but I like to think she’s also trying to be poetic. Because God’s words and inspiration are beautiful and Nora is beautiful and the love God gives her she shares, and she shares it in beautiful ways.
I have been a little discombobulated in prayer recently — but that doesn’t mean God isn’t still there hearing my incomplete, jumbled, thoughts. He hears them and He knows my heart – so He understands. And He met me where I was and helped me to let go of control to my 5 year old — who then wrote such beautiful prayerful notes!
So even though I still feel like I “can’t pray straight” it’s nice to have some clear next steps ahead of me to perhaps guide me back to more complete prayer: Be nice! Because I sure want to be with God! 🙂
Photo Phootnote: Nora made me this note recently: “You are the rainbow of my heart“. The love she pours out each moment of her precious life is incredible!!