I have decided that instead of “languishing” (to use a 2021 buzz word) in my relationship with God I need to be proactive. I can’t wait to feel a jolt of inspiration. Because honestly the jolt isn’t gonna happen since I’m not giving it a chance to happen. …And so I’ve decided upon a “Challenge Month” for September – where I read my daily readings (which I’ve been really bad at remembering to do recently) and then write something about them.
At this point I don’t care if it’s just a line that speaks to me or actual deeper thoughts. Instead of just feeling blah I need to give the Holy Spirit room to work. I need to pause and listen. I need to do my part.
And so Day 1 should have technically happened 2 days ago… But better late than never! So here is Day 1 for September 1:
Well, well, well. Funny stuff. I finally force myself to stop and read and reflect and the Gospel for the day is none other than Luke 4:38-44 about Simon’s mother-in-law laying sick with a fever and Jesus healing her and all others who came to Him.
I say it’s funny because this is the primary Gospel passage Fr. Joe Freedy would read during the “Awaken” events — during a time of reflection leading into Adoration.
And so it has this connection to a time when my heart was as close to literally being on fire with God’s love as possible without it actually bursting into flames. It was a period when God was very, very clearly working in my life and I was giving Him every “yes” response that He asked for.
It was a beautiful time. A time when my eyes were opened to “This is how it is supposed to be!”. I never wanted to lose that fire; that closeness; that “yes-ness” and my willingness to just “go” with every prompting to go.
And somehow I let it slip? How did I do that? Why would I do that? It is entirely illogical!!! To have God so close; to just feel His presence in everything — it was so beautiful and calming and heavenly. But time and life butted in. They chipped away and chipped away and without my realizing it I was being chipped at. And when I realized it I just thought “well I can get it back I’m not ‘that far away'” but then I didn’t put in an effort; I didn’t stop and listen and follow. I just went about doing me and my own wants. And I drifted. … I was chipped and drifting and knew it and didn’t make an effort to come back. “I can do it tomorrow.” “Oops I forgot again. I guess tomorrow it is.” But now I am forcing this pause and can see that I really, really need to crawl my way back — I know it won’t be “Awaken” levels, but I am at least awake to the need and am going to make an effort to at least have some amount of centering to my day.