In all her sweetness Nora asked to go to Confession today and fortunately it worked out. Now after she asked me I too could have sat and been like “Oh I should go to Confession, too!” But instead I just went about my day, waiting for the evening to learn if the timing would work out (for us to go).
Once we got up to church we had about 25 minutes for her to “get thru the line” before we had to get back home. I hadn’t thought until just before heading to church that this time would mean I had time to sit in Adoration! Woohoo!
Now I sat in Adoration and was thinking about how to do an “express” version…. Probably should get the distractions out of the head quickly so I could sit and try to do the actual Adoration portion. I felt optimistic about my “progress” in such things when all I kept coming back to was the fact that I should be in the Confession line instead of kneeling where I was.
I was also thinking about the person who signs up for the Tuesday night 6pm-7pm Adoration shift — how blessed they are to see so many people come in for Confession and then spend some time before the Lord in Adoration. I mean, I don’t think it would be for me since I like the quiet and being undisturbed, but for a few minutes I felt like someone who would like seeing all these people coming to the Lord so sweetly – receiving his love and grace, mercy and forgiveness and then sitting again before Him pure of heart.
This then led me to thinking about how unworthy I was to sit before Him. ... well that’s not true... I don’t know what the feeling or thought was other than it felt incomplete. That I could be kneeling before Him in a better state of grace. I didn’t feel guilty (which is odd for me) but I felt like I was called to be better. That I missed out on an opportunity to make a better choice. I wasn’t being judged harshly for my lack of good decision making, but I was being nudged to notice where I could have been better. (Nudged not judged!)
Turns out I would have had plenty of time to do an Examination of Conscience and be ready to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Had I only prepared myself earlier better I could have been in the line rather than on a kneeler. I was about to get down on myself for that but instead focused on repeating the prayer: “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
Eventually I got distracted out of that prayer and thought about Jesus’ Sacred Heart displayed for me in the monstrance on the chapel altar. I then thought about if He were to stand and the host be where His heart is what would that look like. Then I was like “Well, the altar is there so maybe instead of thru the table he’d be on the table.” I chuckled a little to myself as I thought of the mental image of that.
Then I thought, a bit more soberly, “He is there right now. Why couldn’t he be sitting there? I would love to see that! Maybe you could show me that in an actual vision for like a split second? …and if so you better believe I would immediately get into the Confession line!!! …hmm… I should have definitely planned on getting to Confession. Can I go without a proper examen? I don’t think that would be right. But if I just saw Jesus I would be like “I’m sorry for everything!!!! I didn’t even realize all the ways in which I’ve been wrong until this very moment — and now that my eyes have been opened I am very sorry!” ” … But I didn’t see anything and time was ticking by and I was worried about Nora being done in time. God often lets me squeak in the right thing with just enough time and Nora came out of the Confessional and prayed beside me and we headed back home in the 22nd minute (giving us the 3 minutes needed to get back home in our 25 minute window).
Nora told me how she liked looking at me in prayer. –As she waited in line she could see me praying. I hadn’t even thought of that! Did I tell you she is very sweet?
I told her that I should have gone to Confession, how I envisioned Jesus, and when we got home I took a few minutes to sketch out the idea of it. I told Nora “now to just put this into ChatGPT” and she was very certain that I should not. So I got as close as having it tell me how I should ask it to convert the image (which is weird… so now I don’t even have to think of thinking a thought at all and it will tell me what to think for it to ‘think’?…anyways….) Nora said she liked what I sketched and so I am going to try my best to not disappoint her and leave it as it is –which is accidentally a bit of a “Teenager Hippie Jesus” (oopsies! …you can blame my magnificent humanity for that!)…
Give God Your Yes 