Part1:
I feel like I’ve been struggling with having deep thoughts for the last few weeks. At first I was like “My mind seems kind of blank. But that’s okay, I’m sure if I wait it out I’ll be back to thinking.” But I was wrong. 3 weeks later and my brain and mind are still not working together to form any sort of deep thought.
I went on a long run in the woods and on paths in a local park for over one hour. I thought, “Surely I will have a thought.” But no. I did not. Or at least not one long enough or deep enough to capture. Unless you count “Don’t twist your ankle. Why is this so hard? Why did I choose this uphill trail? I’m sure I just ran thru a lot of ticks. I need to walk. No, don’t walk!” Ok, so physical activity in the stillness of the woods wasn’t it.
Or was it? Perhaps I just needed the experience first and then the thoughts would come later.
Because as I write these words I am thinking about the too-many-to-count chipmunks and squirrels I startled, the birds singing and squawking, and the bunch of bright orange-green oak leaves that had fallen that I turned around and went back for because Ruthie and Mabel would like them (that I then ran with for about 3 miles). I am thinking about how nice it kind of felt to not think… Reflecting on the run I am feeling my heart beat slowing, my internal cheer rising, and a peace-contentedness filling me up. Hmm, interesting.
I am not sure if I’m close to getting past this “thinker’s block” or not, but I feel like a door was cracked open and thru it came the helpful whispering-shout: “Actually pause and don’t try to think and the thoughts will come.”
So I sit strangely content in this thoughtless-yet-thought-filled moment. Perhaps I shall ponder this and get my brain gears turning properly again so that I can feel like I am having worthwhile thoughts and get back to being creative. Apparently it helps to write… so I should also try to do that and just force my brain into action whether it wants to or not.
Part 2:
After my run I went straight to the chapel for Adoration. I knelt and sat for about 40 minutes – trying to be of thought, in thought, and let God speak to me. You will not be surprised to learn that I did not feel like I was having any useful thoughts. I did not feel like I was making any useful prayers. I did feel like I was distracted and I blamed the fact that I did not have a notebook and pencil like I like to have so that I can record my thoughts. I gave myself a bit of “pray-er’s block” – and couldn’t get past myself. I do recall thinking, “Well it would have been pointless to have my pencil and notebook anyways. Though if I had them would the thoughts come?“. …But since I didn’t have them I didn’t end up with any useful thoughts.
Or did I? Perhaps I just needed the time in prayer first and the usefulness of that time spent before and with the Lord would reveal itself. …For this one I am still waiting on a bit of clarity… I did realize I was trying to box God in and sort of approached prayer like, “Ok speak to me right now, but don’t make it anything I can’t remember since I can’t write it down.” Pitiful praying, pitiful prayer. I then was like, “Well, with the thoughts I am having it’s probably better to just stare at Jesus and not have any thoughts.” My thoughts were doing me no good.
Reflecting on this time I think I can say I did have a few moments where I made a decent attempt at prayer as I brought other’s needs to my mind. The best concentration and praying came when I got outside myself and prayed for those I know who needed prayers. I still don’t claim to have had “good” prayers but I know those ones were markedly different — that I wasn’t so self-absorbed that I was able to cut thru the noise of myself (which is strange to feel like you’re not having thoughts but to also have to drown out your own thoughts) and really sit before the Lord and lay these petitions at His feet.
Part 3:
I guess for not feeling very thoughtful I ended up with actually quite a few thoughts.
Perhaps sitting down to write was my solution to actually concentrating and being able to “put my thoughts into words”.
I will need to remember this for the next time I experience “thinker’s block” and “pray-er’s block” – I can unlock and unblock with a little bit of “writer’s talk”.
