Two weeks ago at mass the Eucharistic Minister offered the Blood of Christ. I sat in my pew so very excited at this unexpected surprise; eagerly anticipating Communion. Living in a Post-COVID world receiving both species during Communion has been exceedingly rare.
I went up to Communion and as I approached the Eucharistic Minister with the wine I swear I forgot how to hold my hands and hold a cup. But I managed to do it successfully even if it looked like the most toddler-like cup holding ever. I went back to my pew and knelt in prayer – and all I could manage was tears of joy. That part was unexpected too. I realized that I was so overwhelmed by receiving Jesus that my body couldn’t handle it without shaking out a few tears from my eyes.
I kind of loved it. No, correction, I did love it. I was so grateful to have received both the Body and Blood of Christ during Communion that I knelt in awe and thanksgiving. This is how I am supposed to be every time I go to Communion and yet this day it felt extra special. It was the same action, same Communion, but “it hit different” (as the kids say these days).
Jump to this past Sunday where same church, same mass and during Communion both species were offered. I again was very happy to see this. But not excited. Not super joyful. Between having that feeling and realizing that I had that feeling I was disappointed in myself. Was it not just last week when this moved me to tears? Here I am already acting like it’s blasé. Wow. I am a sad person who really needs Communion!! [Sad not in terms of emotions but in terms of quality (?; not sure of the word). You probably understand what I mean.]
I’ll happily report I figured out how to hold the chalice non-toddler-like. Though at first I presented my hands like I was going to receive the Host. Baby steps I guess in terms of remembering how to function as a person in this situation.
I went back to my pew and knelt and primarily felt disappointed in myself. How much had I changed in a week!?
Same Jesus. Same me-ish. Different me-sponse (‘response’ in case my play on words was lost).
Jesus is always Jesus. He offers His full love to me every second and in a special way in the Eucharist. I always need Jesus. Seeing prior week me vs current me was a reminder that I really need Jesus. He doesn’t have to move me to tears to still be utter love. But I should probably be moved to tears every time because of that love. And yet I knelt without that same visceral response. I held His love in my Body and Heart and Mind and put it in a box rather than letting it offer its full grace. …I mean, I guess I shouldn’t cry every time I receive Communion? Or should I? (I probably should, right? We all should given the unfathomable love we are able to consume!)
Part II: My mind wandered… luckily it wandered to more ‘Jesus wonder’: Padre Pio was a reader of souls. In my “holier than thou” thinking I thought: “If I met Padre Pio I would love for him to read my soul …and tell me how great I am doing.” (Double wishful thinking on that one). Fortunately a split second later I had the better thought: “No! I would want him to tell me my greatest area of failure!”
That way I could have the chance to improve on how I am living my life – both physically in this world and in spiritual preparation for the one to come. Wouldn’t that be one of the best gifts you could receive? (A distant-yet-related second to forgiveness of sins in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.)
To have the chance NOW to improve the way I am living, loving, being before it is TOO LATE – what a gift and a blessing!
Hmm… Wait, is this thought the gift? Sure it wasn’t spelled out for me in “You’re spiritually weak in this specific regard. Work on that.” But it was a ponderable ponderable, right? One meant to bring to mind the fact that I am a poor human being with flaws and failings YET I can work on this now! I can “lean into Jesus” even more. I can focus on God. I can keep striving and striving and let His grace in better. …Like remember that everything “I” am is because of God. Everything “I” “accomplish” is thanks to God. I am because of God. I should strive to live as God-focused as possible.
OK, so my prayer time after Communion didn’t move me to tears. But it did tear at my heart and open it up to God more. So upon reflection I guess “I” did a good job afterall.
Now this is all right-and-good intellectually and spiritually yet I struggle to apply it to my day-to-day outside of the bubble I sit in while in Church. Because when I am “in the real world” of my home trying to be a wife and mom I definitely have major failings (mostly patience related). I definitely have major room for improvement. …It all leaves me eagerly anticipating this coming Sunday where I get to “do it all again”!
